Pick Your Fantasy Baseball Team – Literary Edition!
it’s October. That means two things:
DIY Halloween costumes (eg. write “book” across your face… get it?) and go-time
for MLB teams vying for a World Series ring.
Might I note that this post (Dodgers) is definitely not (Dodgers) meant to plug (Dodgers) any specific playoff team (Dodgers). Every team is lovely.
those who are bored with real-life squads, you’re in luck: I’ve assembled a pair
of literary sluggers, speedsters, and slingers for each baseball position—which
you can mix and match as you please to formulate your own dream team. No need
to know the ins and outs of the game. Just dust off your cap, trust your gut,
and pass the hot dogs.
A. Alice Cullen, the Twilight series by Stephenie
Bow to the queen of intramural vampire softball. This 115-year-old can predict the future with an enviable sixth sense. Chances are she’ll know your weak spots, so it’s better to have her on your side. Probably.
B. Clove, The
Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
Step one: Replace blade with regulation hardball. Step two: Bask in the glory that is Clove on the mound, because raw talent plus intimidation tactics equal wins, wins, and more wins.
A. Stanley Yelnats, Holes by Louis Sachar
Squatting and rising intermittently during the entire game while wearing layers of hot, smelly gear? Who better can do this than our pal Stanley Yelnats? He spent days building leg and arm muscle in the scorching heat by digging enormous holes with what probably was a cheap-o shovel. It’s like he went to school for this.
B. Brian Robeson, Hatchet by Gary Paulsen
Hey, remember that dude who got lost in the woods and survived using only a rinky-dink hatchet? No? He may be vintage, but there’s no way to discount this guy as anything other than raw athletic perfection. And his jawline would look great underneath a baseball cap. Just saying.
A. Kristy Thomas, the Babysitter’s Club series by
Ann M. Martin
You didn’t think we’d leave out Kristy, did you? She coached the Krushers and had solid hand-eye coordination. Not to mention she’s a lefty, making her the perfect first baseman. Factor in a killer softball wardrobe, and you’ve got yourself a star infielder.
B. Bart Taylor, the Babysitter’s Club series by Ann
The fact that Bart is Kristy’s sort-of boyfriend makes this all the more fun—especially considering Bart is the coach of the Krushers’ rival team, the Bashers. But hey, in the end they all become the Krashers, so no need to get too competitive here. (Just kidding. Decide or die!)
A. Jo March, Little
Women by Louisa May Alcott
Reckless? Check. Daring? Check. Jo March is pretty much fearless, and that’s the number-one requirement at second base, where runners regularly slide into your body to disrupt double plays. Think I’m exaggerating? Google “Chase Utley, Ruben Tejada.”
B. Reagan Elizabeth Hillis, You Don’t Know My Name by Kristen Orlando
Speaking of which, Reagan is just as tough as Ms. March, if not more prepared for a second-base scuffle. Trained in combat from her days as a wee tot, this one would have no qualms with knocking down a baserunner or two.
A. Charlie St. Cloud, Charlie St. Cloud by Ben Sherwood
Tear-jerker alert: this baseball enthusiast warms up his arm each day by playing catch with his recently-deceased little brother. Let that sink in. So basically, if you don’t choose him for your roster, you’re a terrible person.
B. Four, the Divergent series by Veronica Roth
Alas, if you’d rather go with the bigger, scarier choice, there’s always Tobias, AKA Four. He’s all muscle, super focused, and let’s face it—would look hot in uniform. But come on, guys. Charlie St. Cloud!
A. Carmen Lowell, the Sisterhood of the Traveling
Pants series by Ann Brashares
Not sure about Carmen’s defensive abilities, but she has a darn good tennis swing that she could totally modify into a winning baseball slug. I’m betting her batting average would look pretty decent on a scorecard.
B. Wendy Torrance, The Shining by Stephen King
Listen, Wendy Torrance may not be your average athlete—but she accumulated a ton of practice swings while batting away her psychotic husband in a haunted hotel that one winter. Factor in that she’ll probably have the best post-game happy hour stories, and you’ve got a fun addition to any team.
A. Olive Abroholos Elephanta, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs
High fly balls in the outfield? No problem. This kid can levitate like no other. Make sure to anchor her somehow though (rope is suggested), or else you may encounter some game delays.
B. Coraline Jones, Coraline by Neil Gaiman
No one is scrappier than Ms. Coraline Jones. She repeatedly escaped the clutches of the Other Mother in a witchy fun house to save her parents, outsmarting the cleverest of villains. I’d trust her defensive strategy in nail-biter match-ups.
A. Ralph, Lord
of the Flies by William Golding
Everyone knows that the center fielder has got to have speed, speed, and more speed. And no one is speedier than Ralph, who sprinted his way past the spear-wielding Jack on Hell Island, where they were marooned as children. I’d like to think sports would be a good form of therapy for Ralph in his later years.
B. Jonas, The
Giver by Lois Lowry
But on the other hand, Jonas from The Giver is no amateur when it comes to running away from crazies, either. Fleeing his dystopian society—while simultaneously caring for a literal baby (true story)—Jonas has the stealth and quick-thinking necessary for fielding with the best of them.
A. Shelby Cooper, There Will Be Lies by Nick Lake
Shelby’s a batting pro, people. Even after all of that fake-mom drama, she’s in the cages, knocking line drives left and right. She may not be a defensive star, but who cares? Just throw her in left field and let the dystopian kids do the heavy lifting. It’s worth the spot in the batting lineup.
B. Katie Bell, the Harry Potter series by J.K.
But if you’re insisting on someone with an arm, bank on Quidditch phenom Katie Bell. Her precise Quaffle control can be applied here, and without worrying about balancing on a broomstick, she’ll probably be totally relaxed while hitting the cut-off man.
you have it, Swooners. So tell me, who’s on your dream team?