Here at Swoon Reads, we love hearts, and emojis, but especially heart emojis. And, let’s be honest here, looking at the average instagram account, you might notice that emojis are a viable substitute for the standard english alphabet as we know it. But what are they really SAYING? If you are Ross Gellar, and Rachel Green texts you “Break? y/n” and then adds a green heart*, what does she actually MEAN?

Don’t worry, I’ll tell you. (This is obviously super scientific, and no further disclaimers are needed.)

Red Heart

Meaning: I love you like I love really basic things… like food, water, oxygen, the tv show Fraiser…

Blue Heart

Meaning: You’re kewl and I like what you just said.

Person with Hearts for Eyes

Meaning: I am currently looking at that promo pic of Zac Efron from Neighbors (you know the one), please stop talking to me.

Cat with Hearts for Eyes

Meaning: I love you like a cat would. So, not really all that much. I’m mostly ambivalent toward your very existence. You’re okay.

Broken Heart

Meaning: You broke my heart just now when you texted to tell me my Urban Outfitters order has yet to arrive. Also, I’ve been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift. Also, said Urban Outfitters order included a pair of heart-shaped sunglasses so that my best friends and I can reenact the video for ‘22.’ And now we can’t. UPS YOU RUIN EVERYTHING.

Wi-Fi Heart

Meaning: I really love a good, strong wifi signal. And in that moment, I swear, we were wifi-nite.

Blowing a Kiss Heart

Meaning: I love you enough to blow a heart at your face, but not enough to keep both eyes open while I do it.

Heart with an Arrow Stuck in It

Meaning: I love you like I love Boromir’s death scene in the Fellowship of the Ring movie. This love is really dramatic, and occasionally accompanied by a full orchestra.

Growing Heart

Meaning: My heart has grown three sizes today, not unlike the Grinch’s at the sound of the Whos singing in Whoville, but in my case it was probably because someone brought cookies into the office.

Sparkly Heart

Meaning: My love for this conversation is shiny and new! I don’t hate you at all! It’s the best honeymoon period ever, and I don’t see this ever ending! It’s like the first bite of really heavy chocolate cake! It’s like the first season of Glee!

Love Letter with a Heart

Meaning: I’m literally the cutest person alive.

So, there you go. I’m assuming your texting life will be forever changed. You’re welcome.

*Oh, yeah, I have no idea what that green heart means. Green, with envy? Huge Elphaba fan? Let me know in the comments.