In Which Hogwarts House Do Your YA Faves Belong?
These days, it's raining Cursed Child hardbacks. Yesiree, joining the ever-so-satisfying '90s cultural renaissance—alongside Pikachu, the Clintons, and Fuller House—is The Boy Who Lived, back for more wand-wielding hijinks at a bookstore near you.
To toast Potterpalooza, I'd like to pluck some YA players from their own worlds and unleash them on Hogwarts grounds. Fun, right? But first things first: upon donning the Sorting Hat—whose career as a leading magical accessory can only be rivaled by that of the Traveling Pants—where would they be placed?
Swooners, let's get started. Er, sorted.
1. Sunny Winslow, Slytherin
Sorry guys, but Sunny is as shady as they come. Sure, she was Dawn’s BFF when they were tween hippies, but throughout the California Diaries she’s the queen of manipulation—especially when it comes to sad, lovesick Ducky, who’s traditionally summoned when she’s found herself in yet another dead-end relationship. Shamelessly resourceful, this blonde would join Pansy Parkinson’s squad faster than you can say “liar.”
2. Marco Leone, Hufflepuff
Marco Leone of The Lovely Reckless would 100% rival Cedric Diggory’s, er, ghost, as the hottie of Hufflepuff. As a stand-up human who toils relentlessly to provide for his family—and tries to play fair in a world that, frankly, has dealt him a pretty terrible hand—this guy’s ready to cozy up to that plush, black-and-yellow dormitory furniture. Just hand him a pair of non-Weasley dress robes and he’ll own the Yule Ball.
3. Princess Sepora of Serubel, Gryffindor
Is this even a question? The heroine of Nemesis is a total badass, fleeing her own kingdom once daddy tries to weaponize her power—even if that means crossing enemy lines into a plague-ridden zone and risking capture. And when things look dark, she inexplicably becomes braver, faster, and smarter. What is this girl’s secret? Yoga? Drugs? The Sorting Hat doesn’t care. It’s telling her to go to Gryffindor and continue being awesome. Bye.
4. Shannon Kilbourne, Ravenclaw
An associate member of The Babysitter’s Club, Shannon’s GPA could rival Hermione’s. She even attends that snobby private school, Stoneybrook Day, which you can bet has ridiculous Gen-Ed requirements (but kind of cute uniforms, no?). For a gal who’d rather dedicate her hours to learning than socializing (ahem, not the worst choice—looking at you, Claud), Rowena’s house awaits.
5. Peeta Mellarke, Hufflepuff
Oh, Peeta. He’s so loyal to Katniss—in kind of a creepy, Lloyd Dobler way. But nevertheless, he gives her a (literal) shoulder to drool on when those psychotic District 1 kids try to Lord-of-the-Flies her, and he practices extreme patience with her PTSD while everyone else is all, “Eh, it’s fine. Now put on this Mockingjay outfit and smile!” Sweet as pie, this one’s a badger for sure. (And not to mention, a shoo-in for the Quidditch team.)
6. Peter Hayes, Slytherin
Barf. This Divergent dude is a piece of work (read: trash). Where to begin? Firstly, he stabs a guy in the eye to firm up his place as number one in Dauntless rankings. Let’s repeat that: he stabs someone in the eye to receive a gold star at fight club. As an encore, he contributes to the kidnapping and near death of Tris for basically no reason. Can we say Parseltongue?
7. Xander, Ravenclaw
Xander, Liv’s bestie in All the Feels, is the charmingly witty guy everyone dreams of meeting on Tinder (or hey, in real life!). His IMs with Liv are perfectly crafted. It’s like vintage Billy Crystal emerging through a contemporary hipster. Highly original and quirky to the core, this eccentric has found his common room—and would bring all the LOLs while bashing that squib, Gilderoy Lockhart.
8. Cai (aka “Painted Wolf”), Gryffindor
The activist blogger from Genius, who operates under the alias “Painted Wolf,” is no amateur when it comes to derailing bad guys from their agendas. Not only does she basically do the duty of a million Neighborhood Watch teams combined, but she risks her life to help her friends, Rex and Tunde. Would her brains make her appropriate for Ravenclaw? Absolutely. But there’s no way this girl’s spunk and valor can be overlooked. All she needs to do now is befriend Sepora in the Great Hall so they can be everyone’s #goals.
There you have it, Swooners. Now tell me, who are your YA sorts?