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Carrie is a fourteen year-old girl struggling to find herself, in Worthing, Sussex, England. It's 1939, and somehow she discovers something freeing and magical all at once living in the military waters nearby.
Please provide as much detail as possible (e.g. page numbers, phrases, etc.) to help our team identify issues.
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symonefeels on Oct. 17, 2017, 6:54 a.m. said:
I liked that, from what I read, it was original. Also, you have a nice writing voice! I would suggest just editing a bit more. Then it would be better c: Good job though.
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Fay Voss on Sept. 17, 2017, 7:48 a.m. said:
Good sense of voice and personality even if it was only a snippet. The pacing could use some work.
Emmy on June 19, 2017, 7:16 p.m. said:
Good start, perhaps you could set the scene more about the town, what her life is like, and how old she is. Keep writing!
Reina Galí on June 18, 2017, 2:11 a.m. said:
Looks like a portion of a first chapter here... keep writing and we'll see where it goes! (Would suggest editing and proofreading as well, though)
FoodLover77Penguin on Feb. 16, 2017, 7:43 a.m. said:
I liked the details.I would suggest proofreading or re-reading what you have written that way you can catch any and all of the mistakes you make find. I think I only saw one or two wrong tense words. I did like how you began to use details in the first two pages, but I never got to learn more about the characters in the story. I didn't know what race any of the characters were and I think it that was explained then I could begin to picture the characters better. Also, if the characters were described and detailed more I would be able to picture the places, the events, and I would also be able to put myself in the story right along with them.
I can kind of see what you meant to write about, but it just ended too soon. Also, the way that it ended was not the best way to end a story. Yes, I understand that you wanted to end on a cliffhanger, but it just ended abruptly with no well thought out plan to end it and it just feels really unfinished. I don't know why she is so mad at her dad and doesn't want his eyes and why she doesn't want to be reminded of him. I need to know more to be able to get the full picture and understand the story.
Oh and also, since you published this on Swoon Reads and I do understand that this is a short story but do keep in mind that Swoon Reads in their manuscripts rules it says that they look to publish books with at least 45,000 words and you only have 1,425. I'm not sure if you knew that or not but I just wanted to let you know if you didn't know. Here's what it says: "All submitted manuscripts must be original works and no less than 45,000 words"Thank you
J.M.Colbert on Jan. 11, 2017, 2:44 p.m. said:
I'd love to read more, from the description and these couple pages I was looking forward to seeing what comes next.
SpeakWhenItRains on Nov. 14, 2016, 3:09 a.m. said:
I liked it, but the ending seemed pretty abrupt. It's like starting to ride a rollercoaster and only getting three feet before it stops. Your grammar is fine, and there was one word-choice that was a little awkward (anti-clockwise instead of counter-clockwise). Keep writing :)
Sarah.Cassidy on Nov. 9, 2016, 9:20 p.m. said:
It seems like a good start!
Taiga the FireGod on Oct. 2, 2016, 6:17 p.m. said:
Felt like there could be more