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Nightfall OnneAnne

Description

She was a slave. She may not have been born one but she ended up one. That's a discussion for another day however. Hannon was a slave- right up until she gained cosmic power from a heaven fallen Night Sky.
The situation made everyone uneasy. Hannon was ready to rule the kingdom and she rose quickly to name herself as Queen. Nobody could stand in her way, most didn't know the force of nature she had become until it was too late. She was unstoppable to all but the Night Sky. Yet even he wouldn't be able to do anything until he was able to see over the pedestal he'd placed her on.

Length

  • 68131 words
  • About 273 pages
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12 comments on "Nightfall"

James.Yarbrough on Nov. 3, 2017, 8:24 p.m. said:

James.Yarbrough


Tease the feelings out, don't have Hannon jump immediately to love. Also, maybe don't tell us faelic's origin at the beginning, make it a point of mystery perhaps.

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OnneAnne on Nov. 4, 2017, 12:15 a.m. said:

OnneAnne


I'll have to make it more clear that Hannon has been in love with him for years, thank you for the feedback! I appreciate it :)

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Azrael on Oct. 30, 2017, 1:36 a.m. said:

Azrael


I've already hit several points where I'd normally quit. The portrayed emotions feel stilted, dialogue feels unnatural and slanted for a less than nuanced and convenient good/evil dichotomy, and to be honest, before I can even make an emotional connection with your character I'm already slammed with the whiplash of a near rape scene and a physical injury. There's also the trouble with the pacing and sentence structure coupled with details being to sparse to set the setting and more detail in one characters sparkles then is devoted to the rest of the floating heads. For all that though you have promise. Writing is an art-form, and just like Michelangelo didn't start with painting the Sistine chapel neither is this your magnum opus. Keep developing your trade and make note of what other authors get right, and what they don't, and you'll be a pro in no time.

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Azrael on Oct. 30, 2017, 1:58 a.m. said:

Azrael


To be fair I'm not into fantasy all that much, but I did enjoy the fantasy elements of chapter 4.

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OnneAnne on Nov. 4, 2017, 12:14 a.m. said:

OnneAnne


Thank you for your feedback! I'll be sure to add this to the notes I'm complying for when I re-edit it!

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Cassie Rose on Sept. 27, 2017, 5:06 p.m. said:

Cassie Rose


Finished! I think this is a really great start. I think the strong points were the mentions of stars and fae. Basically any of the very 'fantasy' parts. I did get a little bored and skimmed a bit during the first half of the book. I think a lot of the time spent being Tatum's companion could be condensed and some descriptions taken out. However, after the halfway mark I grew interested again and invested. I think you really shine when you fully jump into the fantasy. I really enjoyed those parts and think they have tons and tons of potential!

Similar books would be the Grisha series or Vassa in the Night. There were also some similarities to Howl's Moving Castle because of the star/human thing.

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OnneAnne on Sept. 27, 2017, 7:10 p.m. said:

OnneAnne


I appreciate you being so honest, this is going to help me greatly! I'm glad to know that I did the fantasy part justice since this is my first attempt at finishing a fantasy novel. I'm glad you enjoyed it overall! <3

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Cassie Rose on Sept. 27, 2017, 8:50 p.m. said:

Cassie Rose


Sure, I'm glad that I could be helpful! And that's great that this is your first attempt at a finished fantasy novel! You did really wonderful with the fantasy elements! Good job!

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Cassie Rose on Sept. 26, 2017, 11:20 p.m. said:

Cassie Rose


I so so so so loved all the descriptive goodness of the first chapter! It was so magical and dreamy, and I loved seeing the world from someone who wasn't human. It made me think of fairy tale, and I loved that. Also, Faelic is just so freaking cool!! I love that he seems to have stardust frosted over him. The way you described him was so interesting and unique. I'm really hooked by him, and I'm excited to see what kind of character he'll turn out to be. A shining Lancelot? A brooding Heathcliff? The options are endless, and I can't to discover the true one!

After the first chapter, though, I kind of felt like the plot lost it's direction. I wasn't sure why Faelic felt so strongly that he had to come to earth to save Hannon when her slavery didn't seem that troublesome (up until the attempted rape scene, but Faelic had already come down before that). I thought when he said she'd gotten into trouble that perhaps she had her hand cut off or was branded on the face, thus rendering her useless except for slave work, thus bringing in Faelic. So I wasn't really buying into his need to get to her at this point. But I'm still intrigued enough by the synopsis to keep reading, so I'm optimistic about the plot picking up speed and direction.

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Cassie Rose on Sept. 26, 2017, 11:45 p.m. said:

Cassie Rose


I just started Chapter 4, and I think this chapter is what should be in Chapters 2 and 3. I think cutting to Faelic debating on saving her as fast as you can after the introduction chapter would really amp up the stakes and interest. You still want some of your establishing scenes and character introductions, but I feel like the details about why she is a slave can be given later in the story, and the details about her specific chores can be omitted. But, anyway, Chapter 4 is spiking my interest again and now I'm invested in Hannon as well as Faelic.

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